Sunday, 13 January 2008

Chainsaw Steve

I've known many Steves in my time. To be fair, almost all of them musicians.

(Twenty years ago today, I could have put a jaw-droppingly good band together, using nothing but Steves. But then I wouldn't have been in it.)

I don't know if my new friend, Steve, plays anything. I do know he's a Michelin-star chef. And he knows exactly what to do with a chainsaw.

SAFETY WARNING BY WAY OF A(N APPARENTLY TRUE) STORY: This guy asked this other guy for a quote to cut down this tree. He was quoted, say, €200. "Bloody hell," this guy says. "You can buy a chainsaw for that!" A short time later, this article appeared in the local newspaper. This guy had died. Severed an artery in his leg. With a (presumably €200) chainsaw.

Not in this lifetime do I want to find myself floating away from my body thinking: "Well that was stupid." Which is how I found myself spending a very wet afternoon with Steve last week, learning how to live with yet another seriously dangerous piece of farm machinery.

The rules of chainsaw use are fairly simple:
o Wear chainsaw trousers.
o And steel toe-capped boots.
o And a helmet.
o And gloves.
o Stop when you're tired.
o And never use a chainsaw when you're alone.

Steve told me that last one as he dropped me off at the end of the day. I thought he was kidding. After all, I now know how to use a chainsaw. But he added: "Someone needs to be able to use a phone."

By way of a thank you for saving me from possible injury or death (especially as I'm uninsured), here's a link to Steve's website. He's running gourmet cookery courses this summer from nearby Beaumont's Moulin de la Ville. Very exclusive. So don't tell anyone.


Simon Hilton said...

Our film editing company is called Chainsaw.
The rules are fairly similar.
And so are the outcomes.

devolutionary said...

You're only as good as your last cut.

Dave said...

can't get the moulin link to work :o(

devolutionary said...

dave - odd - i'll post it in the side bar and here - it's

Dave said...

doh. its working now :oS

Simon Hilton said...

The first cut is the deepest

Alphamum said...

No, Simon, you are wrong. The first cut won't hurt at all. The second only makes you wonder. The third will have you on your knees . . . . .etc etc etc.

rockmother said...

Measure twice. Cut once. Works without fail. Chainsaws scare me. I never quite got over seeing the Texas Chainsaw Massacre age 16..

devolutionary said...

They scare the crap out of me, which is why my shiny new one stayed shiny and new for months until this day. And I've never even seen that movie.

I'm always careful not to walk off the road at night though.